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Tuesday, 13 June 2017

The Post I Didn't Want to Write

Hello, lovelies.

As I'm writing this it's 23:36 on Monday the 12th of June, 2017. Who knows if I'll publish this right away, I might wait until I feel like I've had closure on this subject before I post it, again, who knows.

I've been thinking about writing this for a while. Since it happened, actually, but I haven't been able to find the words, nor the courage. I know there's a whole community out there to help me, but part of my coping mechanism has been to do things alone, and it has been since I was a child, but doing this alone is hurting me more now, this month, than ever.

I can't think of a way to put this into words other than the obvious - I had a miscarriage.

Some backstory, my best friend and I have always had some kind of weird tension, and in September last year we just kind of gravitated towards each other, and we got carried away. It happens, right? Not much more was thought on what happened until mid-October when I didn't get my period, which was very bizarre as I've been fairly regular the whole time I've been getting periods. I put it down to stress, since I was having severe issues with my stress levels at the time, but alas, it came to Halloween week, and nothing. I was due to travel to London for my uncle's wedding, a nine hour trip one way, eighteen hours return, and I felt nauseous, dizzy, my mouth tasted like copper, and my stomach was hard as a rock and bloated. I went to my friend's house for lunch a couple of days before we were meant to leave, and she was cooking something with the smallest amount of garlic in it, but it overwhelmed me to the point I was sick. She jokingly said "Oh, maybe you're pregnant." and I laughed and brushed it off, but oh my God, did my heart flutter.

The day before we were scheduled to leave for London, I went into town with a friend and picked up a pregnancy test. I couldn't take it in the house because I still live with my mum and couldn't risk her finding it, so I packed it in my bag, and I waited. The whole 9 hour drive was torture, feeling nauseous and generally under the weather, worried sick and stressed, and stuck in a tiny car with my cousin, auntie and mum, I just wanted to get to the hotel and sleep. I stood in the bathroom mirror of the hotel and looked at myself sideways in the mirror, one side of my stomach was more bloated than the other, and felt harder down beside my hips, and I felt very sick all of a sudden.

The next day we were up, dressed to the nines, and out the hotel for 11am. I was wearing a very tight dress, and tried to keep my handbag pulled in front of me all day. I consoled in my little cousin, who has always been my very best friend, and she hugged me tight in the bathroom's of the church, before telling me, "Hey, if you are, at least River Island do baby clothes." I laughed.

The wedding was beautiful, and seeing my uncle so happy was wonderful, and having my whole family in one place, but I couldn't enjoy myself. I sat through the toasts and the family banter, ate as much as I could of the meal they served us (shoutout to my cousin Dan for eating from my plate), and as soon as the band started I dove for the bathrooms, pulled the test out of my bag, and took it.

I was shaking like a leaf, terrified and crying in the stalls of a very fancy Vineyard bathroom, when I saw the word "Pregnant" and the time date of 3+ weeks. My heart fell into my stomach, my legs felt like jelly, and I sat on the floor of the stall and sobbed. I was in there for a good 30 minutes, when I heard someone come into the bathrooms. So I cleaned myself up with toilet roll, and went to wash my hands and reapply my makeup. Working it out in my head, if I was 3+ weeks, it was definitely who's I thought it was, and that broke my heart. I knew it would change the dynamic of our relationship, and as selfish as that sounds, I didn't want that.

When we got home, the first thing I did was FaceTime him and say, "Hey, I haven't gotten my period." and, understandably, he freaked a little bit. Saying he didn't want kids, and if I was pregnant would I please consider getting an abortion. I didn't really know how to reply, so I said I didn't think I was. Which, ultimately, was very stupid. I've always been very Pro-Choice, but I never thought I'd be in the situation where I'd have to make that decision.

I made a doctors appointment for two weeks later, because it was flu-season and it was the only time I could get one, and went along anxiously. They did the usual pee test, and this one came back negative. My head was spinning as she explained to me it was either a false positive, or, the pregnancy ended early, and I'd have to wait and see.

Not much happened until the first week of December, when I woke up one morning with cramps worse than I've ever had in my life. I had to crawl to the bathroom, and there it was. A lot, a lot a lot of blood. Much worse than a regular period. Much, much worse. Thick and dark and disgustingly heartbreaking.

I went back to the doctor the next week and told her what happened, and she told me to keep taking my pill, and just take it easy. Take it easy.

Now, as it's reaching the 9 month mark, I'm being struck every day with the realisation that I should be getting ready to have a baby... and I'm not. Instead, I'm sitting up crying, and writing this post. It's a very strange feeling. I haven't felt like myself for a while, and I know this is the reason why. I've been sad, withdrawn, and ultimately, very lonely. None of my friends have been in a similar situation, so I felt like I had no one to talk to.

Writing it down has made me feel numb, like it hasn't happened to me and I'm writing a story of a heartbroken 21 year old girl, but this is me, and this did happen to me, and as much as I'd like to deny it, it's part of my story. I would love to deny this.

I sort of knew that when it was coming to the time I'd be due I'd find it harder, but I never expected this kind of emptiness. Every single baby, engagement, even new puppy I see on my Facebook timeline is enough to make me feel utterly heartbroken and alone.

What gave me the courage to write this post? As silly as it sounds - a song called Hopeless, by Halsey. The lyrics "You know truth hurts but secrets kill." and "I hope hopeless changes over time."

I'm very fortunate that since I have told a few friends and family members about this that they have been supportive and understanding, surrounding me with love, and I couldn't be more grateful. Even writing this they've been messaging me words of support.

I don't know how to end this post, really, so I'll end it here.

I'll see you next time, then.

Ree.

Tuesday, 30 May 2017

Taking A Break


Hello, lovelies!

You may ave noticed my absence this month - and the reason for that is, I hit a wall. I couldn't think of content, I had started a new medication that messed with my body, my body hurt, and I spent most of this month asleep. I put far too much pressure on myself with 5 blog posts a week, which exhausted me both mentally and physically.

The last two weeks have been better, and I'm back, and better than ever.

I done something scary - I went to a salon, and I cut my hair. Might not sound scary, right? Well, I hadn't been to a proper salon in a long ass time, and taking the leap to actually go and get my hair done properly wasn't an easy one. I cried to my best friend the night before because I was so nervous, but it turned out beautifully, and since then, I've felt better.

I've started to feel like myself again, I've started to get out of bed before 2pm again, and, thankfully, I'm blogging again, which feels great.

Thank you for sticking around, if you have, and if you're just joining us - welcome, I hope you're ready for this crazy ride.

I'll see you next time, then.

Ree xo

Thursday, 27 April 2017

Stop Asking When I'll Get A Significant Other


Hello, lovelies!

As a 21 year old polyamorous bisexual, there is one question I am getting very, very tired of receiving:

"When are you going to get a serious boyfriend?"

I would love to scream and shout and stomp my feet and exclaim "WHEN I'M READY, THANK YOU." but instead I will laugh awkwardly, shrug, and say soon, hopefully.

Being raised in an extremely religious family, there has been many a fight around the dinner table about sexuality, what's "right", and even how no boy will ever want to be with me if I'm so openly loud about my opinions. Or if I keep getting tattoos. Or if I don't remove my nose ring because it looks "unfeminine." Really.  The only person who knows about my sexuality is my mum, and luckily she is very understanding, but the rest of my family I don't even dare to tell, because I can already feel the "oh you're just being silly" conversations.

There is such a pressure on young women to get married, have children, get a house, build a home, before they've really done anything with their life. Seeing people on my Facebook timeline who are 3 or four years younger than me having children makes me feel... Old. Of course I find myself sitting here sometimes thinking "I'd love to have a baby." but at 21, I can tell you I am not mentally prepared for it. I might not be mentally prepared for it at 31, either. There are so many things that I want to do with my life before I even think about settling down with a significant other, children, two cats and a dog. Seriously? I don't know if I ever will settle down.

Of course I would love to have kids. But if I never do, I don't think it'll be that much an issue to me. As long as whoever I decide to spend my life with is happy, I don't mind.

I am more than happy just now, in the situation I am in, which I'm not going to get into. The people in my life make me feel so happy and so loved that I do not need the labels of being in a relationship.

I wish more people understood this - I am happy. I am content. I do not want to be "serious". I do not want to get married right now. I do not want to have children right now. I want to travel. I want to explore. I want to trek to Machu Picchu. I want to see Thailand and Australia and Japan and Africa.

If you are happy - that is all that matters. Please remember that.

Thank you for reading, I know my posts have been quite serious lately! As always -

I'll see you next time, then.

Ree xo

Saturday, 22 April 2017

Morphe "Candy Apple Red" Brush Set Review



Hello, lovelies!

Recently I decided to treat myself and buy some new makeup brushes, because my stash was seriously running low with the amount of brushes that were breaking, or had their hairs falling out. Please see below for the most heartbreaking moment of my life:


It's upsetting me even looking at it.

Anyway, I decided to treat myself to a set of Morphe brushes I saw on BeautyBay and totally fell head over heels with! The Morphe 700 8 piece "Candy Apple Red" Brush Set!


For £13.50 I couldn't really pass these beauties up! They're obviously of the highest Morphe standard, and they came packaged in a gorgeous red pouch, which I have obviously kept as I can't bring myself to throw away any type of brush pouch.





Composed of 8 brushes, ranging from big fluffy face brushes to the tiniest liner brush I have ever seen, the fact this set was only £13.50 literally blows my mind. Where else can you get Morphe brushes for that little?!

I've taken pictures of each of the individual brushes for you all to see, so here we go!

Tapered Powder Brush

Tapered Blush Brush 

Flat Foundation Brush


Oval Fluff Brush


Chisel Fluff Brush

Pointed Crease Brush

Angled Liner Brush

Bent Liner Brush


Aren't they beautiful?! I am so enamoured with them that when they first arrived I just stared at them for a while, before just brushing the powder brush against my face to test how soft it was. My mum laughed, but it was definitely one of the high points of my week. You guys understand, right? 

You can purchase these brushes HERE 

They are truly some of the best brushes I have ever bought, truly living up to their Morphe name.

Thank you so much for reading, lovelies! And as always -

I'll see you next time, then. 

Ree xo 

Friday, 21 April 2017

My Favourite Budget Eyelashes


Hello, lovelies!

For someone who only started wearing false lashes last year, they have very quickly become one of my favourite things about doing my makeup. I honestly feel like my face is naked without lashes, even if I'm wearing full coverage everything.  

I have tried more than enough pairs of budget eyelashes to find out which ones are my favourites, and the two I'm about to show you all are the two I always go back to. As much as I love my Eldora lashes, Eyelure were my first love.

The first pair I have dubbed as my "serious" pair. Aka - the ones I'll wear to interviews, lunches, other "adult" type things that require me to wear makeup.

They are the Eyelure 110's for "Definition"




Soft and fluttery, these lashes aren't designed to make an impact, but more to make your natural lashes look fuller and, obviously, more defined. They're a lot lighter than lashes I'm used to but I adore them, and with a coating of mascara they really are beautiful. I wish I had a photo to show you how lovely they are on, but I don't, so you're just going to have to take my word for it.

You can get these in pretty much any high street beauty store, like Boots, Superdrug, Bodycare etc. and they retail for roughly £3! Cheap and cheerful but definitely preform like higher end lashes, so they are definitely a steal.

Next up are what I call my "Party lashes" - big and bold and LONG.

They are the Eyelure 202's for Drama!




I. Freaking. LOVE. These. Lashes.

I am all about dramatic makeup, it makes me so beyond happy, so whenever I get a chance to break out these bad boys, I'm in my element. For some people these are definitely too heavy on the lid, but I'm prepared to suffer the 30 minutes or so it takes to get used to them, just because they look so good with big winged eyeliner, aka my go-to night out look.

I wore these to a wedding last July and the whole day I got so many compliments on them! They truly are breathtaking on, and I love them beyond words. Please, if you get the chance, try them. Again they are found in most, if not all, high street beauty stores for £4! A bargain!

The key to my heart? Falsies.

Thank you so much for reading, lovelies! And as always -

I'll see you next time, then.

Ree xo

Wednesday, 19 April 2017

How I Deal With Chronic Pain


Hello, lovelies!

If you've been reading my blog recently, you'll know I suffer with a great deal of Chronic pain, from lots of different sources. The main being Fibromyalgia, a rheumatic muscle condition that causes pain, tenderness and fatigue. Or, in simpler terms, it's like having arthritis in my muscles.

It's a constant ache, sometimes only a dull ache I can push to the back of my mind and ignore while I try to get on with life, other-times it is completely debilitating, stopping me from getting out of bed for days. It's obviously different for every one, but for me, the pain comes in the form of stabbing in my joints, stiff muscles, constant migraine-like headaches, being forever itchy, and, weirdly, being freezing cold. All. The. Time.

There's loads of different ways people have suggested to me for helping ease the pain to help me deal with it, but these are the ones I have found the most effective. Although they may be disputed, and people who suffer the same as me might read this list and think "pfft, that won't help at all," these are what helps my body.

1. Hot Baths

This is one of those things that lots of other people suffering with Fibro don't find helpful, because in the long rung, it isn't. But in the short term? It's blissful. It's peace and quiet, it's warm, it's letting my body float in water and not having to put pressure on any of my muscles. Sure, actually getting in and out of the bath can be a whole different pain in itself (I have actually had to have friends lift me out,) the smells of lavender bubbles/bath bombs and the heat FINALLY getting into my body and warming me up for the first time that day. It's definitely only a short term relief, but it's one of my favourites, and the best. 

2. Yoga

I can literally hear other Fibro suffers groaning, but hear me out. On the days when my pain isn't as bad, having a good yoga session really helps me connect with my body. It helps me spend time focusing on the muscles that have been bringing me the most pain, and giving them the time and attention they need. Small stretches work just as well if you can't commit to a full yoga session.

3. Aloe Vera

Aloe Vera is my saviour. I suffer most of my itching in my legs, and it drives me crazy. I use Vaseline's "Aloe Soothe Lotion" and it is like Heaven in a bottle. For only £3 it's an absolute steal, and soothes the itching pretty much instantly. There isn't much else to say, but please, if itching is something you suffer with, at least try this. 

4. Sleeping

Really. Sleeping. Sure, finding a comfortable position is tough, but once/if you do manage, a nap is pretty much the best escape from the pains, both physically and mentally. 

I'm sorry this post is so short - I had a very busy Easter weekend and now I'm paying for it! I couldn't get out of bed until 5pm today, my body was just too exhausted. 

Thank you for reading, and as always -

I'll see you next time, then. 

Ree xo

Monday, 17 April 2017

My Travel Skincare Essentials


Hello, lovelies!

So, on Saturday, I made a post about how much I love travelling, and I thought I would do a series of travel related posts. Keeping with the beauty/lifestyle style of my blog, I figured lets do the most important things first. Skincare.

Skincare is literally one of the most important things in my life. I wish I was joking. No matter where I am, who I'm with, or what time it is, I always make time to fit in my skincare routine. Now obviously when I'm travelling I have a very limited access to my full supply of products, but I always take my trusted and true, which, of course, is mostly made up of Soap and Glory. For any occasion, no matter what, birthday, Easter, Christmas, or even just a Saturday sale, I get Soap and Glory gift sets.

There are a few things I have left off this list, like hand sanitiser, lip balm etc, this is just the things I use mid-travel. Like when we stop off at service stations, or I've been on a flight or train for a ridiculous amount of hours, these are my refreshers.

First off, hand cream.


Soap&Glory's 'Hand Food' has been my go to hand cream since I was in high school. I've switched up scents over the years but the formula has always been the same, thick and creamy and moisturising. I am a massive germaphobe, so I've always got at least two different types of sanitiser on me, using one after the other, especially on public transport, and then I follow with my trusty hand food. My beautiful baby.

Next, face moisturiser.


This little beauty you can pick up in Tesco, Asda, Bodycare, pretty much any store that stocks skincare that isn't extremely high end. It's only 99p, and you get an amazing amount of product for such a little tub (it can go in your hand luggage with no problem). You can use it for body, hands and your face, but I personally use it for just my face. Sometimes travelling can take a toll on your face, the recycled air making your skin dry and irritated, so I always have this to hand. Plus, its super moisturising, and smells amazing.

Now, I switch between these two products, but always have both with me: moisturisers.



Again, both Soap&Glory. Again, both absolutely beautiful. I have been known to disappear into the plane bathrooms just to use these, because I feel like I need a little bit of pampering. 'The Righteous Butter' is the original S&G body butter, and it's got the classic rose and bergamot scent. 'Sugar Crush' is for when I need a little bit of a 'ZING' in my life. It's citrusy, sugary, sweet and zingy! It wakes me up instantly. My bathroom is full of these travel sized products, because even when I'm not travelling, they're perfect for taking to visit friends, and it saves a heck of a lot of space.

These four products save my life whenever I need them to, and I will live by them until I find anything that makes me feel even half as good as these do.

I hope you enjoyed this post, thank you for reading, and as always -

I'll see you next time, then.

Ree xo