Depression in Pregnancy

Hello, lovelies.

Since I've just hit 30 weeks pregnant, I thought it was about time I actually sat and wrote up this post that I've been thinking about for a few weeks now.

Something I've really struggled with up until now -- depression whilst being pregnant.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was fairly young, and had come to terms with it and learned how to deal with it in my own way, and with the help of medications. What I didn't expect when I fell pregnant was how different it would feel being depressed whilst being pregnant. Seems like a silly thing, right? Your body is changing in so many different ways already and you're experiencing so many different hormones and emotions so extremely and intensly that of course your depression is going to feel different, but it just never clicked to me.

I'm the eldest girl in my family, and the first out of us all to be expecting. Out of all of my close friends I'm the first, and while I still have all of them for support and the unconditional love that can only come from family and friends you've grown up and changed with -- I feel very, very lonely. Which, I guess, I didn't expect either.

Loneliness is obviously something a lot of people with depression experience, even when you're surrounded by loved ones, but throw in this experience that none of the girls I'm close to can relate to yet... it feels very daunting. I love them to the ends of the Universe and back again, but that doesn't help when I have questions, or anxieties, or just need a good cry about how heavy my belly feels, because I feel like a burden. And while I do know people and am friends with people who have been pregnant, or are pregnant currently, there are some things that I feel I can't share with them, y'know?

Anxieties and worries present themselves in the strangest way when you're pregnant. Waking up on your right side instead of your left and worrying you've hurt your baby in some way. Haven't felt Bub kicking at the same time as you usually do? Something horrid has happened. Round ligament pain? Oh, God, I'm going into labour 10 weeks early.

I've found talking about being depressed quite a hard thing these last 30 weeks, because a lot of my worries and anxieties have been met with phrases like "But you're having a baby!" "You should be so happy!" "There are women who can't have kids, you know."

Yes, I know. I am happy. I'm ecstatic, and overwhelmed, and so grateful that I DO get to have children while so many women out there cannot, but does that mean my feelings of exhaustion and sadness and my overwhelming desire to stay in bed for the next week are to be entirely dismissed?

Being young as well, a lot of people have taken it upon themselves to ask me if I feel like I'm ruining my life by having children so early, or if I'd rather of sorted a career first, or travelled, and while I would still love to sort a career eventually, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do as a career, and I can do that with children. Funnily enough, also, kids can travel. Who knew, right? Having children is one of the only solid things I've been set on in my life, and I already know that having my little boy here is going to be the biggest blessing, and even more of a reason to go to Disney World. So, no, I don't feel like I'm ruining my life, thanks.

I think perhaps the point of this post is to make sure that at least one other person knows that depression and pregnancy, while not the best of friends, are entirely able to co-habit, because at first I could find nothing about how I was feeling and felt like a terrible person for being so sad and scared, despite being so overwhelmingly happy.

I hope you're all having a wonderful week, and happy Spring!

I'll see you all next time,

Ree xo